Conversations With The Girlfriend - Part IV

The girlfriend (TG) says: “What are you doing?”

I start to sigh, but stop myself. Every time I switch the computer on I get this. A sarcastic remark is surely the answer.

Me being droll: “Frying an egg.”
TG: “Ha, bloody ha. What are you doing?”
“Switching the computer on.”
“I can see that, you’re always messing about on it. I want to know what you’re doing so I can understand and learn.”

A sigh escapes without warning, I check to see if she noticed. Think I’m clear.

“Just defraging the hard drive before I do a spyware scan then I need to update a couple of programmes, restart, rip a couple of cds, write a blog post, find out why it doesn’t want to connect to the internet, if it does check my emails and then give it a long kiss as it’s a girlfriend replacement. With tongues.”
“Oh.”
“Would you like to look over my shoulder while I’m doing all of that? To learn of course.”
“Nah, you’re only messing around.”

And that, ladies and gentleman, is TG.

Conversations With The Girlfriend - Part III

Driving can be stressful at the best of times, but after travelling from London to Los Angeles via Manchester and Chicago and picking up a hire car at 10pm local time, I wasn’t looking forward to the long drive. After putting the suitcases in the trunk (hey, I was getting into American mode) and discovering the handbrake wasn’t on as my efforts moved the whole car and gave the one in front a nudge, I clambered in feeling slightly fearful but also He-Man like - I’m sure the handbrake is still on…

Anyway after driving through the sort of places Jack Bauer is normally having shoot outs in, we made it onto the motorway (back to English now I think). When you are travelling down the coast I feel an important factor is to be driving south. So I headed onto the 405 south. Cue 20 minutes later the girlfriend (TG) piping up.

TG: “We’re going north.”
The expert driver: “I think you’ll find we’re heading south.”
TG: “You tell by the direction of the moon can you?”
Me: “No, but I distinctly remember tuning onto a road which said ‘405 south’. The south bit was what lead me to it.”
(The exact tone of this next sentence doesn’t come across well written down). TG: “I think you’ll find I have the map and that exit we just passed is north of the airport.”
(As I push the map away that has been shoved in my face) Me: “Would you like me to turn around oh expert navigator?”
TG: “That would be lovely.”

So onto a side road we glided so I could look at the map.
Me: “Yes we are north of the airport TG. Long Beach airport. LAX is behind us you idiot. We’re going south, that’s to the north.”
TG: “Ah, you are so great and wise, perhaps we should continue with your excellent driving now. I’m sure you meant to drive up that curb in your perfectly formed three point turn.”
Me: “Yes I did, I’m an excellent driver.”
(Cue Rainman impressions) TG: “No I’m an excellent driver.”
Me: “No I’m an excellent driver.”
TG: “No I’m an excellent driver.”

Never fails to lighten the jetlagged mood at 11pm on a deserted side street somewhere near Los Angeles.

Conversations With The Girlfriend - Part II

Conversations with the girlfriend (CWTG) rarely fail to start and end in confusion or merriment. As I was treating her to a slap up meal, sorry, Pizza Express, we were enjoying my favourite starter - garlic doughballs.

TG (the girlfriend) says: “I wonder why they give you butter with them?”
Moi: “What do you mean?”
TG: “Well it’s not very healthy is it? I mean it tastes nice, but it can’t be good for you.”
“But you’ll just be left with the doughballs then won’t you?”
“That’s okay, they might be a bit dry but they’ll be healthier.”
“But it’ll just taste of warm bread.”
“Well, garlic bread.”
“No, just bread.”
“No, it’ll still be garlic bread.”
“How? The garlic’s in the butter.”
“No it isn’t.”
“Yes it is.”

Let’s just say this stand off continued for ooh 30 seconds before a clean of the palette with some wine and a taste of the doughballs and garlic butter separately.

The answer’s in the name, they don’t call it garlic butter for fun.

Conversations With The Girlfriend

Far be it for me to criticise anyone for the way they, but the latest conversation with the girlfriend (here on known as CWTG) has made me want to share it with you.

We have a lot of conversations - well as many as she can manage and more than I would like for a peaceful existence - and in almost every one there’s a special little something that makes her stand out from the norm.

Take the latest one as we were passing a Jewish temple.

TG (the girlfriend) says: “On the Sabbath my friends sees them climbing over the fence.”
I leave a pregnant pause both for effect and in vain hope of some explanation.
Reluctantly I reply: “What?”
TG: “She lives opposite a Jewish family and on Saturdays she sees them climbing over the fence.”
“Why?”
“Because they’re strict and won’t use electric equipment on the Sabbath.”
“So they climb over the fence to watch TV through someone’s window?”
(With a look of disgust on her face) “No, because they have an electronically operated one.”
“An electronically operated fence?”
“Yes.”
(With the lack of anything else to say, I repeat) “A fence?”
“Oh, no, I mean a gate.”

And the fog clears.